Have you ever been clothes shopping and picked up an item of clothing, looked at it, looked around and just shrugged. You know it’s not exactly what you want. It’s not bright blue… Instead it’s a pale and dusty shade of pastel blue… But you look around and given the options, you compromise because, well, it’s not too expensive anyway. I’ve done it and I’m pretty sure you have too.
I have come to realise that we do this a lot in life – and not just with clothes. Sometimes we do it with love too. You compromise because you don’t think you will meet the one who fits you properly. Because you’re lonely. Because you know this person you’re staring at doesn’t really understand you, but does that really matter? I mean, will anyone ever understand you?
Compromise seems a small price to pay in exchange for getting rid of the loneliness… Oh the fantastic things we tell ourselves to get rid of that sinking feeling when we know it’s not 100% right. We go for mediocre because we aren’t completely sure that what we want exists, and if it does, do we really deserve it?
I used to do this… You ask yourself, why not? He seems nice. Then you have to sit through the most awkward date of your life and hope you never bump into him again. You see ‘nice’ is not a good enough foundation for a relationship. Cake is nice but too much of it will make you fat! In my experience, compromising in relationships is the same. With cake, you get fat then don’t eat it again for a loooooong time as you are busy getting healthy and exercising in an effort to undo the damage. Relationships based on a complete compromise can turn out the same. No matter how good your intentions, you will only end up giving up more of what you wanted the longer you stay. And when all is said and done, you will spend ages repairing and getting healthy again because when you compromise so much you lose little pieces of yourself – because no body is happy when they have to give up what they want entirely.
And the worst part? The worst part is when you meet the right one by mistake. It always seems to happen by mistake when you weren’t looking – but you can’t reach out and grab this person because you have got yourself so entangled with the compromise you made, you can’t walk away.
So I gave up on love… I couldn’t imagine staring at someone who literally made my world stop spinning, knowing I couldn’t say anything. Knowing I would just have to watch them walk away… Because this is the true price of compromise.
You see, I didn’t really give up on love. I gave up on the easy come, easy go attitude people seem to have these days. The jaded, ‘Why not? What I want may never come along’. Or the rather disgusting, ‘I want quantity over quality. I don’t believe in love’ (yes whilst travelling I actually had a discussion with a guy who actually said that!).
During my travels I have seen people who are almost comatose due to the amount they’ve drunk, attempt to suck the face off of someone who’s name they don’t know and who they only met 2 seconds ago. I have been called frigid, a man-hater, a feminist and a bitch. I’ve been asked who hurt me because I’m obviously running away or if I was a lesbian.
The truth is, I am none of these things. I simply do not see my body as a charity for men who want to make themselves feel better. I have no desire to be your one-night-stand, an easy option or a convenience because I was just there.
I am looking for someone who wants to know me and is not solely interested in what I look like, and who they think or assume I will be. I don’t need a man. I need a gladiator. I need someone who will come along on my adventures and take me with him on the ones he dreams up. I need someone fearless who will stand up to me – because I will sure as hell stand up to him. Someone who will set me free, as opposed to sticking me in a cage, because he’s secure enough to know I will come back. Someone who knows I don’t need to be changed, fixed or saved. I just need him to stand next to me and hold my hand while I do all that myself. I am not a princess. I don’t need a knight.
So why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because the man I’m waiting for hasn’t found his way into my life yet. And to my grandparents, parents and extended family who all seem to be worried about my age and having children – I’m not worry. Neither should you be.
We are all on our own adventure. It’s called life. It can be as magical as you let it be and the magic is not dependant on someone else being there. During the last 5 months I have met the most wonderful people and made the most awesome friends. My goal in life is not to find a partner. It’s to be happy… and you know what, someone will probably come along when I least expect it. By complete mistake. But until then, I’m going to concentrate on me, and planning new and exciting adventures.